Job 3:25: "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me."

I tend to return to this blog when something new happens with my health.  And this week, I found myself thinking of Job - although my suffering by no means compares with his.

Last Friday, August 24, 2018, I received the news that I have an aortic aneurysm - that is, my ascending aorta is almost twice the size it should be.  This is correlated to (but not caused by) my other heart issue - i.e. the bicuspid aortic valve.  They both need to be fixed, or I will not remain a candidate for a kidney transplant.  So I agreed to have surgery to fix them on the Tuesday after Labor Day - September 4, 2018.  It is open heart surgery - something I feared, but didn't think I would ever need.

I am going through the motions of living and preparing for the surgery.  But I also found a voice in my head repeating the words one hears every Ash Wednesday at the imposing of Ashes:   "Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return."  It feels right now rather as if I am a passenger and an observer in the back of my own head.  As I was driving today, I watched the sunlight streaming down through the clouds, outlining the Front Range of the Rockies.  It was so beautiful - and yet I found myself asking "Is this the last time I will see such beauty?"

Dietrich Bonhoeffer's poem/song has been echoing in my head.
"Von guten Mächten wunderbar geborgen
erwarten wir getrost, was kommen mag.
Gott ist bei uns am Abend und am Morgen
und ganz gewiß an jedem neuen Tag."

I find myself wondering - could I have written that in the circumstances where Bonhoeffer did?  Here I am contemplating surgery - rather than execution - and all I can do is sing this song to myself to help still the voice proclaiming that I am dust.  . . .  That I may be dust, but I am dust beloved of my Creator and Redeemer.

I found this in the Book of Common Prayer 1979:  I am hoping it will help me face the next few days . . .

"Almighty God our heavenly Father, graciously comfort your
servant Shawn in his suffering, and bless the means made use of
for his cure. Fill his heart with confidence that, though at times he may be afraid, he yet may put his trust in you; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen."

God give me the courage to pray that prayer over and over as I go through this ordeal.